Video Game Hero Beatdown: Solid Snake Vs. Master Chief

We take two world-class super soldiers and pit them against each other in a fictionalized scenario to see who will come out on top. Who would win in a fight? Metal Gear’s Solid Snake or Halo’s Master Chief?

Who They Are:
Master Chief: Genetically modified war hero and combat specialist who has saved the world from annihilation multiple times. Outfitted with a high-tech robotic cybersuit, advanced A.I., and the hottest technology of the 26th century.

Solid Snake: Genetically modified war hero and combat specialist who has saved the world from annihilation multiple times and has single-handedly destroyed more walking tanks than the entire U.S. Army.

Why They’re Fighting:
After retiring in a cabin in the Alaskan wilds, Solid Snake is mushing a pack of Huskies across the arctic when a shuddering rattles across the land. Instantly, the ground underneath Snake opens, and our hero falls into darkness.

More than five centuries later, Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 gets a call to explore an anomalous radio frequency coming from somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness. The UNSC thinks it’s discovered another precursor object, and it wants The Chief to make sure a bunch of weird alien crap isn’t about to destroy the Earth. However, when Master Chief arrives at the Alaskan base (codenamed Frontier Station), the scientists have a surprise for him: The signal buried under the ice wasn’t a precursor object, it was an ancient codec device. Under several centuries of ice, the scientists discovered the frozen body of a legendary super soldier named Solid Snake. They leave the body to thaw so they can perform an autopsy. 

Hours later, in a covert debrief bunker, Cortana is filling in The Chief on the details of Snake’s life. Before he “died,” Solid Snake was infected with a deadly virus called Foxdie II: Fox Die Harder. Snake superb skills in combat allowed him to develop an immunity to the disease, but anyone who comes in contact with him is in danger of becoming infected. The UNSC hopes to recover this virus to see if they can still use it as a super weapon. However, just then, Cortana loses contact with the security team down in the med bay.

The last screams they hear before the channel is cut completely are, “He’s still alive!”

Solid Snake – Master Chief’s Worst Nightmare

How The Battle Goes Down:
Snake remembers falling into the darkness, but he isn’t aware of the missing centuries, so when he finds himself in a strange room, covered in ice and facing down powerful lights, he assumes the worst: Clearly a sleeper cell of patriot agents have kidnapped him and are trying to harvest his organs. Using a nearby bottle of ketchup, Snake fakes a medical emergency. As the science team runs over to check him out, Snake springs to life and uses the expert ninjutsu skills he picked up years ago on the battlefield to knock them out. It doesn’t take long for Snake to clean the clock of everyone in the room. Unfortunately, Snake soon hears reinforcements coming down the hall. With only seconds to plan for the attack, Snake looks across the room and spots the perfect weapon. A sly smile creeps across his face.

Meanwhile, The Chief is in a rush to get to the science team, but when he gets there it’s a complete disaster. The ancient super solider, Solid Snake is already gone. Behind several unconscious scientists is an unmarked cardboard box, but that clearly isn’t worth examining.

Except it is! Snake has secretly stashed himself inside the box – a perfect hiding place. From inside the box, Snake looks over at The Chief in his green MJOLNIR armor and believes that he must be another cybernetic Ninja that the Patriots have sent after him – a Greninja, if you will. This ninja looks a little bulkier that previous iterations – it’s clearly a knockoff Russian version. Snake decides to deal with this ninja like he deals with most of life’s problems: punch it in the face.

Snake is fast, but The Chief is faster. Mere nanoseconds after Snake leaps from the box, The Chief’s motion sensors notice the change in the room’s airflow and his reactive metal liquid crystal kicks into gear. The Chief’s 72,000 RPM electric motors kick into overdrive and, with one fluid movement, he pivots in place to reach out and snatch his attacker out of the air. The Chief reflexively moves to punch his attacker in the chest when he remembers that Snake isn’t his enemy. The Chief pulls his punch; the MJOLNIR’s revolutionary crystalline neural network processes his commands within nanoseconds and The Chief’s arms immediately begin to slow down. Unfortunately, inertia sends The Chief’s fist flying into Snake chest at a speed that is still nearly 0.17 percent its full force. The blow is strong enough to shatter Snake’s sternum and send him flying across the room and through a medicine shelf. Vials of important medical things fall all over Snake and conveniently heal him.

Snake looks up from his mountain of pain medication, wipes a trickle of blood from his lips, and then smiles. “You’ve got an explosive personality,” he says fingering a pin from one of The Chief’s grenades.

The Chief looks down at the live grenade at his belt, but it’s already too late. The grenade goes off and The Chief disappears in an explosion that sends him flying through a nearby wall.

Snake stands up and walks though the rubble. “Looks like he had a blast.”

Just then, The Chief emerges from a pillar of smoke. He armor is badly damaged and sparking, but all that actually makes him look more badass. Chief dives forward, guns blazing. Snake grabs one of The Chief’s old guns up off the floor and dives forward too. In one epic slow-motion pan we see them both shooting at each other. Their bullets hit each other in the middle of the room and create a bunch of mini explosions than send them both flying backward. The Chief collides with another wall, but Snake ends up flying through a glass window. (By the way, this Alaskan base is 10 stories tall and they’re on the top floor.)

The Chief goes over to the window, but Snake is already gone – no one could survive a fall like that. Not even The Chief.

“Everything okay?” Cortana asks.

But The Chief just hangs his head. He might have survived the conflict, but he feels like he failed his mission.

The End?

Master Chief Looking Out Over The Sunset As He Thinks About His Mother…But Who’s Really In That Suit?

Later that night, The Chief takes a shower, letting the hot water ripple gently over his firm pecs. He rubs away the tightness in his biceps with a firm but gentle touch. It’s been a long day, and he’s looking forward to hitting the hay. (He sleeps shirtless).

However, when he emerges from the stall his MJOLNIR suit is missing. He stares in shock for a minute, but then a smile creeps across his face. In that moment he realizes that Snake isn’t dead. Somewhere out over the frozen wastes, Snake is running toward civilization, wearing The Chief’s armor. Their next encounter will be explosive indeed. A thrill of excitement rushing through The Chief’s body. He’s never felt this alive before.

The End

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