The U.S. is already doing pretty well at the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio, but we’d really rake in the gold medals if we had these video game characters competing for us. Maybe it’s not too late?
Faith from Mirror’s Edge
Sport: Track & field
Faith runs along buildings like she’s in a Spider-Man movie trailer and regularly outruns bullets. We bet she has a good shot at the gold.
Ezio from the Assassin’s Creed series
Ezio regularly jumps off seven-story structures into a pile of hay that’s barely soft enough for a hobo’s bed. Jumping into a giant pool of water would be a piece of cake for him.
Little Mac from Punch Out!!
This matchup is so obvious that we shouldn’t need to explain it, but we will anyway. Little Mac has big hands, that’s why he’d be good at boxing.
Toon Link from The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
Sailing isn’t just a sport for trust fund babies from ivy league schools. No, sailing is the classic working man’s sport, and no one works harder than Toon Link.
Dante from the Devil May Cry series
Dante’s swordplay is pretty good, but he can also turn into a freaking demon, which is bound to disarm any opponent. Also, if there is an Olympic category for bad boy attitudes, Dante would win that too.
Ecco from Ecco the MF’n Dolphin
Sega’s long dormant tuna-eater is a speedboat in the water. “But he’s a dolphin,” you say? Is that really a problem? Look at Michael Phelps; we’re pretty sure he’s not human, and they let him into the Olympics.
Spartan-458 from Dead or Alive 4
Remember that RC Cola version of Master Chief who appeared in Dead or Alive 4? Also, remember that Dead or Alive spin-off Xtreme Beach Volleyball? We’re trying to tenuously connect those two dots here.
Ballz guys from Ballz
Who would be better at handball than someone made entirely from handballs? My body is 90 percent Mountain Dew, which is why I’m so good at drinking it.
Tetris pieces from some puzzle game (can’t remember the name right now)
Twisting into weird shapes and trying to fit into specific spaces is pretty much these guy’s way of life. Plus, they always nail the landing.
Bill Clinton from NBA Jam
We learned a lot about Basketball from NBA Jam, so we know that Bill Clinton was one of the premier players in the ‘90s. Your move Argentina!
Epona from The Legend of Zelda series
Sport: Some horse crap. (Like we watch the Olympics)
I don’t know. Aren’t there horse events in the Olympics. Epona is a horse. Gamers love Zelda, so I guess this should be on the list.
Uniracers from Uniracers
This guy is so good at cycling that he can do things on one wheel what most cyclist need two wheels to accomplish. Plus most of the rest of the competition would freak out if they saw an anthropomorphic unicycle roll up on another bicycle.
Samus from the long-dead Metroid series
Master Chief’s girlfriend would be great at golf. Stick with us for this one. While all of those other golfers flail around with clubs, Samus can just turn into the ball and roll into the hole. She can turn into a ball! See how clever this is.
Sexy Sports Car from Rocket League
This is no contest. A car can move way faster than a human. Personally, we like the curves on the sporty looking blue one, so we think that’s the best. We don’t know any of these car’s names. They’re all just sex symbols to us.
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